Category Archives: Sparkle Pants does Religion

Ann Coulter doing what she does best…

…making Christians look like complete psychopaths.

Just received a “please buy this book!” plea from Sojourners and since I love them and Jim Wallis, I don’t mind. Found these lovely nuggets of hate-filled non-Christian quotes from Ms. Coulter, who claims to speak for all of us.

“We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. …We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That’s war. And this is war.” Ann Coulter’s This Is War column on 9/12/01.

“I think our motto should be, post-9-11, ‘raghead talks tough, raghead faces consequences.'” – Ann Coulter at CPAC Conference; February 10, 2006 as cited on cns news.

I mean, clearly here’s a woman who is godly and following the teachings of Jesus. Wouldn’t you agree? Because man, that Jesus sure did espouse racist hate speech. And apparently He hates Germans. I’m screwed.

One time I was in the airport waiting on a flight. This really cute guy came over and sat down across from me and I thanked my lucky stars. A hot guy on my flight! Might have to give that Mile High Club thing a try. Then he pulled out his book: How to Talk to a Liberal. I threw up in my mouth a little.

So yeah, if you know anyone thinking of picking up Coulter’s book, Godless, take them out back and beat some sense into them, okay? Because this woman really sucks.

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If you’re lost, I’ve got a bobble-head Jesus

It only costs you to get on your knees. (Dave Matthews Band)

So last night a new episode of 30 Days aired on FX. It was an interesting episode and one I had to mentally prepare myself for. It was about an Athiest living with a family of Christians for 30 days. Whenever a reality show sticks people together who have differing religious views, particularly when one or more is a Christian, you can always count on arguments and stupidity on the part of one or all participants. However, 30 Days is more about expanding the mind rather than creating conflict, so this instance of clashing beliefs wasn’t too bad.

Except when, you know, Mike the Christian drove Brenda the Athiest by the local mega church and then sat there coveting it. I mean, I covet (hello, Anderson Cooper much?) and it’s wrong of me and I need to apologize to God (sorry!) but Mike the Christian commented on how tired he was of being judged (he or Christians in general) for wanting something “nice.” Well, the mega church wasn’t “nice.” It was obscene. I mean, good for you for having a huge congregation but do you need to put them up in something that looks more like a basketball arena than a church? The gist of his statement, at least in the way I understood it, was that he was tired of people calling some Christians on their flashy, showy, money-driven ways.

I had a slight beef with Brenda the Athiest when she asked her youngest, “Do you believe there’s a higher being controlling your life?” Youngest: “No.” Brenda the Athiest: “Who controls your life?” Youngest: “…You!” Ha! That was a funny moment. But in truth, God created free will and gave us all free will (well, if you believe in that sort of thing, which I do), which means you ultimately control your life. Take Sims, for example. You have the option of turning off free will, which means your Sims will just stand there and do nothing until you tell them to go to sleep or use the bathroom or cook dinner. If you leave free will on, your Sims will do whatever they want, like swing on the swing set at three in the morning even though the baby’s diaper seriously needs to be changed, unless you tell them to do something else, like change the baby’s diaper. Sims with free will will eat, sleep, bath, clean up, and care for the kids of their own volition, even if sometimes they need a nudge or reminder.

Which brings me back to Brenda the Athiest’s question. I was a little irritated at her somewhat misinformed question until she revealed (later in the show) that she was a Christian for 27 years. Then I just wanted to shake her by the shoulders because hello, when you stop believing in something, it doesn’t necessarily change the manner of the thing in which you no longer believe.

I just confused myself. At any rate, the episode was well done. Brenda the Athiest braved a Christian radio show at a local Bible university (I think?) and I balked when the host of the show asked Brenda the Athiest what she thought about morality, right and wrong, and other such things. Morality isn’t mutually exclusive to Christianity. You can be a morally upstanding citizen and not believe in God.

The last two things that had me clawing at the screen were Mike the Christian completely and blatantly ignoring someone’s question regarding our currency (if our currency said ‘God does not exist’ would you have a problem with it? I live in AMERICA and our money says IN GOD WE TRUST. Lather, rinse, repeat. For five minutes.) and the whole evolution discussion. I’ll admit it right away, I don’t really know what creationists believe. According to the guy leading a group of creationists through a museum, man and dinosaurs existed at the same time (we’ll ignore that 60-million-year gap). Then there was my favorite “We are not monkeys!” discussion. No, we aren’t monkeys. But we descended from a common ancestor. We have roughly 98% shared or similar DNA with chimpanzees. I am too lazy to do all the Google searches for how the timeline and fossil record look but we aren’t monkeys. Relax.

I believe that evolution and God can and do co-exist. In fact, the presence of evolution proves the existence of God for me. So yes, I yelled these things at my television last night. I’m sure the upstairs neighbors were very happy about that.

Oh, and one last observation before I move onto other things. That Bible-themed theme park? You shouldn’t have to pay to see a reenactment of Jesus being nailed to a cross. Nor should you have to pay to listen to an actor dressed as Jesus (and that actor didn’t even look Jewish!) tell you that you can’t serve God and money. Oh, how I laughed when they showed that little gem.

In the off chance Morgan Spurlock comes to my blog, I have to pose just one question: why didn’t you make Brenda the Athiest tell us why she stopped believing in God? Didn’t it come up at some other point?

And now onto other more delightful topics of conversation. Okay, so Joan of Arcadia? So addicted. I mean, Netflix has been pretty awesome already and last night we watched TWO episodes of Joan of Arcadia instead of one and OH MY GOD THAT KISS WAS PERFECT. With the feathers fluttering down and his hand on her hip and all the chaos and BAM. Kissing.

I guess that’s all I have to say for now. Cheers!

Shock and awe

In keeping with my all things controversial theme, I was stunned to read a commentary by crazy Rick Warren’s wife, Kay. I actually agreed with her. There were a ton of great responses, which you can read for yourself. And then there was this one that stuck out like…well, something that would stick out a lot. Like a smudge of crimson among a sea of orange. See below.

“When the misguided pastor’s wife refers to those who “claim to be followers” of Christ, she is implying that if we do not join in this “struggle” with HIV, then we are not truly what we claim. As a Christian, I take offense at this. HIV is a medical condition, no more a crisis than cancer, blindness or a host of other unfortunate ailments that torment mankind. True Christians are moved by Christ’s compassion to help those in need who may cross our paths, regardless of the ailment. Just because HIV has been earmarked as a “gay” disease in the past, does not mean we are to bow before it. There is a hidden agenda here, one which would have Christians not only be kind to gays outside the church, but to accommodate gays in the church as though they could actually be a part of spiritual union with Christ. The Bible does not condone sin in any form, and is very clear on God’s opinion of this particular sin. Those who do not see this, choose not see it because of their spiritual rebellion. The deluded pastor’s wife should recognize that she is being used to deceive many, and should repent while there is yet time.”
Brenton Hunter, Dallas, Texas

Ouch. Everyone take two giant steps back from Brenton. And when I say giant, I mean we should end up on Pluto.

You dirty pot-stirrer!

Being a rogue blogger also means you get to stir the pot a little. And add to the pot. I mean, I could add some cumin and there would be nothing that any of you could do about it. Except ku nkiko, who pretty much owns this place.

Of all the things Squinty McGee and his band of merry men could chose to deal with right now, gay marriage seems kind of a ridiculous choice. We have Marines accused of committing war crimes and possibly facing murder charges. We have Donald Rumsfeld, Father of All That Is Horrible and Wrong, sitting smugly on his throne of lies. And I’m convinced the NSA has been hanging out in my apartment during the day, eating my stash of garlic bread and exposing Paul Anka the Wonder Fish to direct sunlight.

I’d rather hear Bush tell me what he’s going to do about alternative forms of fuel. I don’t want to hear him say that we’re working on it. I don’t want to hear him condescend the American people about how alternative forms of fuel exist already, so stop complaining. I don’t want to hear him talk about how we could have a corn shortage. Corn farmers are loving the sudden demand for corn. It means their families can eat. I don’t want to hear about corn farming corporations that will destroy what few farming communities remain. I want to hear about new regulations. I want to hear about ways to make alternative fuel and fuel efficient cars available to everyone at a low cost. Biodiesel is self-defeating if, after spending the money to convert your car, you have to drive 70 miles to the nearest station without a guarantee that the biodiesel will be available.

I’d rather hear the government tell me how we’re going to help Iraqis. Not what kind of fabulous new Americanized government we’re going to give them, but what kind of support we’re going to provide for the women we’ve made into widows. You can put an American face on the new Iraqi government but the traditional customs and ideals will still exist. These women will have a very hard time finding ways to support their children. What few of them are left.

I still don’t think religiosity is a good way to govern. I can’t in good conscience force non-Christians to adhere to Christian law. However, if Christian law must prevail here, then we must allow for Sharia law to prevail in Afghanistan and Jewish law to prevail in Israel.

1 man + 1 woman = Christian belief

Perhaps the funniest quote I have ever read:

“Ages of experience have taught us that the commitment of a husband and wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society,” Bush said in his Saturday radio address. “Government, by recognizing and protecting marriage, serves the interests of all.” (Courtesy of the folks at CNN.com)

I hate to tell you, Squinty, but keeping gays from marrying isn’t going to save your marriage. Or mine. Or any one of the people reading this blog right now. If you think that oppressing people will turn them into the ideal, you should know that ages of experience have taught us otherwise. Banning gay marriage will not turn them into heterosexuals. It will just raise the number of people who can’t afford healthcare, children who will bounce from foster home to foster home, and families that will be torn apart.

Family and marriage are not the same thing. Family values have nothing to do with a piece of paper saying you’ve been legally joined together. Family values have nothing to do with the sex of the ones you love. Family values have nothing to do with religion or race or nationality or sexual preference.

I have a heterosexual life partner. She is straight and I am straight, and right now we are blissfully joined in domesticity. Despite the fact that we are dependent on one another, I can’t claim her as a dependent, nor can we file joint taxes. It was hard doing my taxes earlier this year because a lot of my money went toward caring for her. But since we aren’t married and couldn’t be anyway, I got bent over by the government. Again.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “God, Sparkle Pants. You should just find a man if you want a ‘life partner’. Things would be easier and you know it.”

Okay, first of all, the number of men that are even the slightest bit tolerable is unbelievably low and finding them is so very hard. Secondly, even if I did find a man to spend the rest of my life with, who said anything about marrying him? I don’t need the government’s permission to love anyone. Neither do gays. However, I’m at an advantage because should I choose to marry someone and reap all the governmental “benefits” of a legal union, I could. And probably will, if his health insurance is better than mine.

I have nothing against marriage. Some of my closest friends are married. I’m going to a wedding this weekend. Chances are, if I meet The One, I will drag his handsome butt to the nearest court house and marry him. My religion is not the religion of every single person in this country. Christianity is not the religion of the federal government. The federal government doesn’t have a religion. That’s the whole point of this country in the first place. Should we have morals? Well, yeah. Of course we should. But we shouldn’t impose our beliefs on the legal system. They don’t belong there.

Let’s kill non-believers for fun and profit!

Yet another chapter in the oh my god, they have lost their damn minds book.

Did I miss the memo?

I know better than to watch AC360 but I can’t help myself because when there is nothing but crap on television and the cable guide tempts me with two hours of Anderson Cooper, I kind of lose my mind. I mean, he’s easy on the eyes and watching his interactions with that no-brain lady who comes on to comment on certain offbeat stories is a great deal of fun. I would love the chance to straighten him out but alas. Right now he’s obsessed with Warren Jeffs (Joseph Smith was called a prophet…).

Anyway, the memo to which I refer (propositions be damned!) says something about Mexicans illegal immigration ruining our culture? I’m sorry but if Carrburritos gets run out of town before I can afford to eat there, so help me I will bust some heads. And the taqueria down the street from Carrburritos?! I will seriously, seriously, seriously bust some heads!

I mean, what culture are we talking about here? The culture of capitalism? The culture of narcissism? The culture of Paris Hilton? I really wouldn’t mind if Paris Hilton, you know, disappeared. Can we outsource her to another country? Preferably one on Neptune?

I understand the frustration many people feel about the “free ride” illegal immigrants receive. We are never going to eradicate illegal border crossing unless we construct massive walls full of pointy barb-like things that secrete poison and really, I don’t think that’s a wise idea. I also don’t think it’s a wise idea to make these people, and the people who aid them, felons. A child who comes with his mother into this country doesn’t come to sponge off the United States. He comes to be with his mother. When he turns 18, he would become a felon. Is that okay? If you killed someone and were punished, would you want your child to be punished for your crime, too?

If I went outside and waved a German flag around, that doesn’t make this country any less American. It doesn’t make me any less human. Some people don’t have five years to wait. They watch their babies go without food, clothing, and medical care day after day. I’ve met these people, I’ve seen where they live, and they have treated me, a privileged, college educated white girl, with more respect and warmth than I deserve. They have fed me, sheltered me, and if I had asked, they would’ve given me the clothes off their back.

Are we to make criminals of churches and aid organizations? Are we to shoot these people on site and mount their heads on stakes along the border so as to ward off any considering crossing over? Where do we draw the line? Use our tax dollars to detain and deport them? Allow tv anchors to provoke violence against anyone seen crossing the border? Are we, as a country, really going to declare open season on yet another ethnic group?

This has stopped being about legal or illegal. People no longer distinguish between those allowed to be in this country and those who are not. These “patriots” pick out anyone with brown skin and a Hispanic accent and call them illegals, felons, criminals, and terrorists. Anyone who offers a kind word or a glass of water is immediately labeled unAmerican and unpatriotic.

(And before I go any further, let me just pause to tell you that I’m as much as an American as the next person. Just because I don’t support the war in Iraq or Squinty McGee doesn’t mean I hate our soliders and hope they die thousands of miles away from home. I do support our troops. I think Saddam Hussein is a bad man and I’m glad he was removed from power because he is a bad man. That does not, however, mean that I think that we have done anything positive in Iraq beyond that. I am pro-choice but that does not mean I hate babies and want them all to die. It simply means that I don’t think I could have an abortion but I am not about to make that decision for another woman. My religious beliefs should not dictate the behavior of those who do not hold those same beliefs. I don’t think gay marriage is going to ruin the sanctity of straight marriage. Allowing gay marriage is not going to stop procreation and it is not going to stop straight marriage. It will not make your husband or wife squeal with delight because now he/she can finally be with that hot guy/sexy girl that works down the hall who they have wanted to marry but couldn’t because it was illegal and so they married you instead and thank god they don’t have to look at your vagina/penis anymore. Being a feminist doesn’t make me a lesbian (I like how boy parts and girl parts feel when they hang out together!), nor does it make me a man-hating (penis + vagina = lovely, toe-curling orgasms!), baby-hating (love babies!), stay-at-home-mom-hating (hardest job ever!), ball-busting bitch (but seriously, I’ll bust them if they deserve it).)

Now that we’ve cleared that up, I will say that I don’t plan on changing anyone’s mind. I just want someone, anyone to know that all those people you see on television and in the newspapers talking about what Americans want? They don’t speak for me, I don’t agree with them, and I think a lot of the things they say are hateful, dangerous, and completely unAmerican.