Category Archives: Rambling

I am a bad sick person

I suck at being sick. I hate the exhaustion and the brain fuzzies and I hate people taking care of me and I hate missing work. Right now I have really bad allergies/summer cold AND a migraine and I just want to sit around and whine about it ALL DAY LONG. Today I came home around 10:30 and proceeded to sleep most of the day. I did wake up in time for the Giants game. OBVIOUS POINT IS OBVIOUS. Now the game is over and there’s nothing to distract me from feeling like ass and I really hope the NyQuil kicks in soon so I can get some more sleep.

I’m sitting on a blog post I started over the weekend…or last week…about Stuff That Has Happened. I’ve started posts like it about a million times before so hopefully I can actually get through this one. It’s hard to sit down and put it all into words. It’s all a blur now and I try not to think about it because it triggers me and makes me freak out a little, but it’s necessary. There are people who need to know the story – strangers and non-stranger alike – and this is the only way I can really do it.

So on to happier things. Panda was back tonight! It was awesome! But it kind of made me sad because seriously, 2012 is the next time we’ll see Buster behind the plate, and Freddy’s future is totally uncertain.

COMPLETELY UNRELATED. Due to some developments with my family, I’ve had some very Oklahoma phone calls with my parents the past few weeks. Phone calls that involve my dad putting his phone out the window so I can hear trains and warning bells and there is a lot of talk about ‘ol’, which in non-Oklahoman is ‘oil’. It has made me quite homesick. I miss my family. I was with them this time last year and while I wasn’t completely happy – too much turmoil in my life in general – I loved being with them. Hope to get to see them soon.


What you have to look forward to!

Hey kids reading this! Guess what? You have something awesome to look forward to in adulthood! WATCHING BASEBALL AND DRINKING MARGARITAS.

I bought three books this afternoon on my lunch break because all of my books are far away with my parents. And also because the used bookstore is seriously across the street from my office HOW CAN I NOT? (Which is exactly what I told the man who owns it/was working for it) I got two books I had never heard of (I’d tell you what they are but they’re in the other room and it’s SO FAR AWAY) and one book I had: The Laughing Place by Pam Durban. I first read that book in 2003 or 2004, after a dear friend of mine passed away. The book made a lot of sense to me and helped me kind of deal with the confusion and sadness I felt. So I bought it. MINE ALL MINE NOW.

Unrelated to THAT but related to my first paragraph, I’m supposed to watch clips of Buster Posey’s injury from the other night AND I AM SCURRED TO DO IT, INTERNETS. Because my BFF tells me that he writhes in pain and crawls around on his arms and I am kind of scared to see it because it just sounds awful.

NEWSFLASH: Wilson is warming up in the bullpen. YAY.

And lo, there was internet

So I’m sitting in the living room of my awesome apartment watching our awesome television and using our awesome internet to update my blog. Everything feels okay. In fact, everything feels GOOD. Things have started to turn around. The BFF got approved for disability. She has an income. She’s out of a house that was making her have breaks every other day. She’s happy. We’re nesting, decorating on our limited budget. We do laundry with our washer and dryer, which came with the apartment. Our kitchen? Is gorgeous, with plenty of storage. We don’t get much direct sunlight, so it stays nice in here. This complex has three swimming pools and two spas. We like it here.

I spent most of today watching the clock, counting the minutes until I could come home and INTERNET. I really wanted to update my blog. But now I’m here and….I don’t have anything to say. I want to make this more frequent. I really wish I could tell you about all the things that happen at work but that stuff belongs in the vault. But believe me when I tell you we spend a lot of time talking about NSFW things. What can I say? There are five of us and we get along REALLY WELL. (I love my job.)

Also? I have to write blog posts for my job. It is WAY TOO STRESSFUL.

If you have any questions, dear internet, please leave them in the comments! I’ll answer them. Or if you have ideas for things I could say, that’d be awesome too.

I have dumps like a truck

You know, after months of being stuck in neutral, my life is kind of moving forward. I like it and all but damn, I’m exhausted. Like, I can’t sleep enough. Right now, I’m in bed and half-asleep and writing this post because…I don’t know. I feel a little out of control. Like, I can’t just stop everything and catch my breath. I want to rest for a minute. And I want to stop with the obsessive thinking.

And I’m kind of over people. Not everyone. But kind of people in general. Always disappointing.

Goodnight, dear readers.

Thanks, Chrome!

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR LOSING ALL THOSE TABS I HAD OPEN. THOSE TABS HELD UNTOLD RICHES AND…well, okay it was just a bunch of links for jobs I need to apply for, and I could probably duplicate the results by going back to Craigslist but UGH IT IS 11PM WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEEEEEEE?

I also lost a whole bunch of links about JOB INTERVIEWS and HOW NOT TO SUCK AT THEM. Sigh. Clearly I have a lot of first world problems. Why am I complaining about them when there are people halfway around the world being murdered for standing up for themselves? Because…I’m an American and it’s what we do. Glum.

This blog post just took a turn for the somber. The past week or so has shown me that I am really uneducated about some parts of the world. There are some areas that I know quite a bit about. Egypt is not one of those places. I posted a link on Facebook yesterday that was how to avoid saying stupid things about Egypt. There was something on it about how fierce Egyptian women are and have been throughout their history. I…I want to know more about that. I need to know more about that.

On a completely unrelated and fluffier note, GO LOOK AT HOWIE GO GO GO. Internets, did I ever tell you about the time I met Howie? I KNOW RIGHT? After all these years, I finally met him. And you’ll be glad to know that we parted ways unscathed. It’s a miracle.

I promise nothing

The past few days have been weird. Weird because our phones got shut off, so we’re in this weird disconnected-but-connected limbo. A miscommunication made us an hour and a half late for a small birthday/pie-eating gathering, and another miscommunication sent my jury summons to an address I haven’t lived or been registered at for five years. The mood was strange at the gathering and the mood was strange when we got home, and then The BFF got sick and we had to pay a visit to the country pharmacy, which was as unpleasant as it sounds but we got the inhaler we needed, so it was worth it. I think. I hope? It amazes me that we are able to access this and it makes me sad that not everyone has the “luxury” of an hour-long wait in a crowded, poorly lit room with people in various states of mental and physical illness. I made chili for dinner last night (Friday) and it was really good. Better today.

It’s raining right now. It has given me a headache of spectacular proportions.

I’m addicted to playing UNO on Facebook.

I got passed up for another job this week, a job for which I was qualified. A job for which I thought I would be a good fit.

For most of the day, and part of last night, I had a thought solidly in my head and attached to that thought was “I need to write a blog post about this!” and of course, I’m unable to remember what exactly it is. It didn’t have anything to do with Egypt, but while we’re on the subject, I really wish we got Al-Jazeera here. On our cable. Or something. I’ve been watching it online and it’s just refreshing to hear about places that aren’t, you know, the U.S.

I really do have deeper thoughts on Egypt that don’t involve AJE but it’s hard to put them into words. My thoughts and spirit are with the people of Egypt as they fight to be heard. I wish them luck, safety, and peace.

I’m sleepy now, internets. I think I’m going to put down my computer.

Or play some more UNO.

Ugh technology

That’s supposed to be like, “ugh, technology! I hate you!” and not “ugh technology is quite sophisticated”. Just in case you were confused.

I started a post on my phone because I was too lazy to put my laptop to sleep, unplug it, and move it to the living room, which would mean I’d have to put it to sleep, unplug it, and move it back when I was done. My laptop doesn’t weigh 80 pounds and it certainly isn’t cumbersome to carry, but since it doesn’t have a battery, moving around with ease is not as easy as my lazy ass would like it to be.


So anyway, now the WordPress app on my phone is all, “screw you, I’m keeping that draft!” so here I am, writing a new one.

It’s 10:07pm on a Sunday night and I’m sitting in bed, struggling to keep my beautiful little eyes open. I think the past two nights of staying up until VERY LATE AT NIGHT/VERY EARLY IN THE MORNING and getting up WHILE THERE IS STILL AN ‘AM’ IN THE TIME and then DOING LOTS OF THINGS SOME OF WHICH INCLUDE ADORABLE BUT EXHAUSTING SMALL CHILDREN is catching up with me. Let me sleep, yo. We’ve been crashing at Twelve’s house for quite some time (for those not in the know, Twelve is The BFF’s partner (‘boyfriend’ for those of you who are confused), and he is also a friend of mine and he is incredibly generous with his house right now and ours can get a little crowded and so yeah, we’re here right now) and….well, okay, ‘quite some time’ = since Friday night. And we have been BUSY.

It just dawned on me that I think I’ve already mentioned all of this. OH WELL. TROLOLOLO REDUNDANCY.

HEY GUESS WHAT? The Steelers are in the Super Bowl.

Ohhhkay. What was I saying? Right. I’m old and tired. Exactly. Late this afternoon, we went to The BFF’s sister’s house to celebrate their dad and brother’s birthdays. Sister and Brother-In-Law kindly grilled burgers for us and cooked some french fries and they must’ve slipped and hit their heads because they made ambrosia. This is California, not North Carolina omg. Anycrap. I passed on the ambrosia to make room in my stomach for LOTS OF BURGERS covered with LOTS OF ONIONS.

Okay, see, this is what happened. So like, I made my first burger and put just a couple little slips of onion on it and it was like a taste explosion in my mouth. I WANT ONIONS. LOTS OF THEM. So I made a second burger, which was more like “hey Sparkle Pants, would you like some bun and meat and cheese and condiments with that onion or are you cool like that?” It’s a good thing there’s not a Mr. Sparkle Pants because he’d be investing in a gas mask right about now. MY BREATH IS AWESOME AND CAN ALSO WILT FLOWERS AT 100 PACES.

Seriously, I am so old and tired. I even had coffee with my dessert and I’m still half asleep while I type this. I’m going to read some more of the awesome book I plucked off the shelf at the library a few weeks ago. It’s called The Rice Mother. Great narrative voice, excellent storytelling and progression. I highly recommend it.

TTFN, internets.

Things I Should Be Doing

In no particular order:

+Reading, maybe

I haven’t updated this in an absurdly long time and there is much to update you on, internets.

Big Thing Numero Uno
I’m no longer in that delightful state called North Carolina. I’m back in California and have been since the beginning of July. Many, many things led to that move: rapidly deteriorating financial situation, illness, a lack of alternatives. I suppose when I look back on it, there weren’t a lot of factors. It just felt like a lot, because it was a lot of shit from only a few places.

At any rate, I am back in California. Unemployed and dealing with all of the things that come with that: no unemployment payments because I left my job voluntarily (for a good reason), stress, insomnia, depression, bills that won’t stop coming even after my bank account is empty. Things are no bueno right now in my world. I won’t dive into that any further.

Big Thing Numero Dos
Everyone is okay. Everyone being The BFF and I. We are not dead. We are not homeless. We are not going to bed hungry (very often). The BFF needs a lot of care and we are slowly but surely chipping away at all the processes that will lead to that care. California is in the shitter; we could not have picked a more awesome time to come back with absolutely nothing in our hands. But we are alive and we are warm. That is what matters.

Big Thing Numero Tres
I…don’t think I have a #3. I’ve kind of withdrawn into the thinklessness of Tumblr and Twitter because it’s about all I can manage. I want to update more here and at LJ, for those matters I don’t want to divulge publicly. I miss reading everyone’s blogs. I haven’t really been in a place where I can do much giving of myself. I’d like that to change. We’ll see if I can pull it off.

If you are on Tumblr, feel free to give me a follow or whatevs. It’s pretty much what you’d expect of me: lots of Sorkin, lots of DMB, lots of politics, lots of random funny stuff. If you do follow me and it’s not obvious to me who you are, send me a message or comment here. I’m serious when I say I miss everyone.

Time has been harsh. It’s tough to navigate these waters.


Lucid dreams


I don’t really know that I have a lot to say right now but let’s just try this out and see where it goes. I am currently listening to Lucid Dreams by Franz Ferdinand. Do yourself a favor and play this song while wearing headphones. Prepare to have your mind blown at the end. My brain always feels like it’s a big bouncy ball when I listen to the song with headphones on.

So my allergies this year have been beyond what they’ve been since I moved to this state with all its stupid reproducing trees and grasses and flowers. I’ve had to double up on allergy medication more than once and yesterday I developed a slight sore throat and today its being kept company by a headache and overall yuckness feeling. CURSES. I just want to go home, put on my pjs, and sleep. And drink tea. Hot tea. Mmm hot tea.

In the past bit since we’ve last spoken, I’ve not done anything worth mentioning except get a B in my class and see DMB twice. (I remained awesome while doing all of that.) The DMB shows were amaaazing. Okay, the Raleigh show could’ve been better. But the Charlotte show? Easily at the top of the list for favorites shows I’ve seen. And now the BFF and I are into double digits! With any luck, we’ll squeeze in at least one more show this summer. I am really hoping to scrape together enough money for the mega awesome pre-order package for Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King. $60 is a lot but the stuff you get is incredible and I really wanted a book of Dave’s drawings, okay? So bite me. Also of note: the hotel we stayed at in Charlotte was ridiculously awesome. It was a Candlewood Suites and the bed was like a little slice of bed heaven, right there in our room. Soft, luxurious sheets, comfy mattresses, and buttery pillows. DELICIOUS.

In more recent news, our DDR soft mat shorted out, we bought a betta named Carolina who died the next morning, and our Wii got fried in a storm (we weren’t home at the time). So that’s fun. There’s a new, better DDR mat in a big box at home but we don’t have the Wii (it’s on its way to Nintendo) so it’s not like we’re missing out or anything. I haven’t used the Wii in weeks anyway but of course, the day we discovered it was dead, I had planned to go home and use it. Ha! That’s okay, I ended up running errands most of the night anyway. And last night, we went to the store for a few items (like ice cream, which is vair important) and then came home and I got in bed. Slept through Olbermann and woke up at 9 to make dinner. And I just remembered I left my lunch at home. I was really out of it this morning when I left the house, so it’s not really surprising that I did.

Okay internets, be well.


Just because it’s not doesn’t mean…?

Okay. So I really haven’t done anything I meant to do here with regard to Rwanda. And I won’t, at least consistently, so don’t think about expecting to see it now that I’m making THIS post, which really has very little to do with Rwanda and very much to do with the fact that I can’t sleep.

The past few weeks have been flooded with…stuff. At least on my radar. People being extra mean, extra insensitive. The world being extra fucked up. It seems like everyday I wake up and there’s a new battle to wage, a new thing to defend myself from, a new thing to protect the people I love from. So on and so forth. There are more misunderstandings, more deaths, more nitpicking and irritation.

I mean, Obama won the election. Where is my fluffy kitten that poops rainbows?? Isn’t that what he promised?

Right now, at this moment, I am hungry and in awe of how soft my hair feels. I’m not sure why it feels so soft, but I know I have to stop touching it because it’s just going to get dirty faster. I’d eat something but there’s not really anything interesting to eat in the house.

I have a paper due on Wednesday in my class. I’m pretty sure I’ll get it done in time, so that’s not really what’s bothering me tonight. Last night, I think that’s what was bothering me. I went to bed at 6am Sunday morning and woke up a little before 1pm. Now it’s 1am Monday morning and I have to be up at 6am. That’s amusing.

Okay, so I am actually a little sleepy. I feel like I COULD sleep, if I could convince myself to actually lie down and close my eyes. But something about that feels weird and worrisome. Why should it? There’s not really any reason. I will regret not going to sleep at 11:30 or so, when I initially got into bed. But one thing kept me awake, and then another, and then I realized that I felt kind of scared to go to sleep, or just a little anxious about it, but I don’t really know WHY.

You know what I miss? I miss being able to sit down and write. Write stories. Short snippets. I miss seeing these scenes play out in my head. I miss being able to turn them over and over in my mind and have them appear on the screen exactly as I saw them. I miss that. There’s not much that excites my brain right now. Not much inspires me, which is pretty sad. I know what it is I miss. And it isn’t a what. And I know that if I go there, for real someday, not just in my mind, nothing will have changed. And it will make me so angry at myself. See, I don’t think I can actually do it and not have anything change. Nothing will, because some things have and those things that have changed now make it impossible for any of the other things to change. Back to the start, just like always.

Lately, I’ve found myself wishing I could be like Hannah Montana and have the best of both worlds. Only my worlds wouldn’t be different personae. It’d be different people. The two of them, each to serve his purpose.

But like I said, everything has changed now. One ruined the path we could’ve taken together and the other..well, he didn’t do anything, did he? And I ran away, and I ended up here, which was probably for the better. That was him on the bus that afternoon. This all started then.