Category Archives: Bullet In the Brain-Pan

Mental health/illness-related posts.

I will follow you into the dark

I live in my head. I can’t remember a time when I’ve been firmly grounded in reality. I dwell in memories. Tonight I’ve been overcome by a feeling I’ve not felt this strongly in awhile: grief. I am grieving. I cannot believe that after so many years, I would still be bowled over by this. At times I feel indifferent, and then guilty.

Tonight I feel alone and lost and endlessly sad. I miss my friend. I miss the potential we had as adults. We never knew each other as adults. As real, full, responsible adults. I think we would be great friends now. I think we would exchange texts and emails regularly. I think we would see each other, at home or somewhere else, while he traveled. I think so many things and they are all impossible. I will never see him again. It feels as fresh and raw as it did when it happened. The loss. The terrifying void of forever stretching out ahead…the nothing that waits.

Now I have something that reminds me of him…someone. “Have” is a poor word to use for what it is. Someone exists who I can see very readily, though not in person, who looks eerily similar. I only made the connection between the two tonight and it has slowly consumed my thoughts…for better or, as it appears, worse. Worst.

It all hurts too much tonight.

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The new year

I was tucked up in my bed with reruns of The Office playing me to sleep. I was tired. I was dozing off. And then I remembered something that happened at work this morning. Something small and meaningless.

It sent me down an angry, panicky path and now I’m shaking and upset and I can’t sleep, so I’m updating this blog and listening to Transatlanticism. I feel like I’m going to throw up my dinner. My head hurts. I’m hot and cold. I just want….I don’t know what I want.

What’s wrong with you? Just tell me. You never talk to me. It hurts when you don’t talk to me.

But I don’t know what’s wrong. And I don’t know how to explain what’s in my head and I don’t even know if it’s something that’s wrong or it’s something that’s right and I’m just confused about it.

I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.

So this is the new year.

Forever is tomorrow is today

This afternoon, I spent half an hour in a small room at a doctor’s office with my best friend, listening while an understanding but purposeful doctor drilled her about her mental health. It’s all part of the disability application process. A hard part. A part that leaves people feeling judged and hopeless, because really how much can a complete stranger tell about your disability in such a short amount of time? There’s no easy way to capture what life is like for us; I’ve tried dozens and dozens of times and can never find the right words. Everything seems so simplified and black and white when in reality, it’s a chaotic rollercoaster that we can’t ever exit.

She’s exhausted. When we left the doctor’s office, she was gray. Sweating and gray and shaking like a leaf. When her anxiety, panic, and agoraphobia get really bad, she becomes vacant. A shell. I don’t like it. When other people cause her to shift into that place, I get angry. I don’t like to see my best friend suffer.

I’m not really sure what the point of this is…just a small glimpse into another day in the life. I’m so tired of these days, full of doctors who don’t listen or don’t care or demand evidence that you are as sick as you say even though you’re a shaky, absent, incoherent wreck on the exam table.

I’m tired. Down to the bone tired. And if it’s this hard for me, if it’s this hard for me to draw up the memories of certain days or months or periods of time, then how hard is it for her, the person who has lived them firsthand?

I have dumps like a truck

You know, after months of being stuck in neutral, my life is kind of moving forward. I like it and all but damn, I’m exhausted. Like, I can’t sleep enough. Right now, I’m in bed and half-asleep and writing this post because…I don’t know. I feel a little out of control. Like, I can’t just stop everything and catch my breath. I want to rest for a minute. And I want to stop with the obsessive thinking.

And I’m kind of over people. Not everyone. But kind of people in general. Always disappointing.

Goodnight, dear readers.

All I can do is keep breathing

At first it was good. Better than good. It was mind-numbingly euphoric. Tingles in my fingertips. A heady excitement that consumed me from top to bottom.

And now it is a wallowing valley of mire and shadeless shadows.

Don’t mind me

I’m just lying in bed having a panic attack. Like, the ceiling is caving in on me, it’s too hot, and I’m all dead inside panic. My chest is seizing up, my mind is racing…I’m really unnaturally obsessed with Cuban Revolution in Durham. I mean, their service was shit, most of the food was mediocre at best, but I’d kind of give anything to be there again, in the dim light with the music blaring while I stuff my face with yucca fries and watch people outside. Or maybe I’m just kind of reliving the night of the concert when I was harassed via text message the entire night – and later blamed for things that happened 3,000 miles away – instead of getting to fully enjoy the night.

Yesterday (Saturday) was so GOOD. Twelve suggested we go to the park, The BFF suggested we have a picnic, and then we did all that. We lounged around on a blanket, played with the dog, did yoga (I slipped out of a position and twinged my back), practiced bellydancing. Later The BFF and I went to the library. We had a bonfire back at Twelve’s house. It was a good day.

Now we’re back home and my brain is flipping out. Thanks a lot, brain.

Just breathe

Oh, internets. I’m so exhausted. I’m not entirely sure why, but there it is. I feel like I could sleep for ages. I’m sorry I haven’t posted much lately. There isn’t much going on in my life. I wake up, I read or something, I go to sleep. Sometimes I drink tea! Mostly I am not doing much at all.

Seriously though, internets. How boring is my life? Ugh.

With a side of powdered sugar donuts

What the hell kind of week was this? A bad one. Like, in addition to getting passed over for someone else at an awesome job and having to cobble together money to keep my car insurance current, The BFF had her own stuff go down, which I won’t discuss her but seriously, save the drama for your mama. Yesterday (Friday) was a particularly horrid type of bad, which started with me waking up after about three hours of sleep, gasping my way through a panic attack because I had another nightmare. And then there were angry words because someone was being mean and accusatory, and then there was the gathering together of change to buy an ice cream for The BFF, because she needed an ice cream.

THEN THERE WAS ME GETTING A PHONE CALL FROM THE VISA FRAUD DETECTION PEOPLE ON BEHALF OF MY BANK.

Yeah. Some doucherag stole my card number and attempted to buy some jewelry. I declined the charge, they put a block on my card, and told me to call my bank. My bank’s customer service had closed 15 minutes earlier. Given how things have been going lately, I just broke down completely. It wasn’t any kind of “what will I do now?” breakdown. It was a “what have I done that was horrible enough to deserve all of this?” and a “I can’t do this anymore” breakdown. A friend offered to give me some gas money and cook us dinner, which was really nice, but after having to ask a bunch of friend and strangers for money (though this was done on my behalf by another friend) and having had generosity turned against me in the past (of the “I do all of this for you and you do nothing for me” type), I just couldn’t deal.

I called the bank this morning and it turns out that I was so fast in responding to Visa that the charge didn’t even go through, so I don’t have to worry about fighting to get the $90 put back in my account. It never went away! Which is good, because I actually had 96 cents in the bank.

Today has been much better. I slept in, had some really good coffee, then some really good breakfast and more coffee, and now I’m just sitting here with my friends, looking at my computer. My parents are going to make my car insurance payment since the money I have for it isn’t available right now, and I’ll pay them back this week.

I like today way better than yesterday.

Clamantha!

Insomnia, my old friend. Fortunately I can stay in bed, not sleeping and typing this post on my phone. Three cheers for technology! I’m actually lying here waiting for Roommate to leave so I can snag some breakfast. Maybe food will help? Maybe a hammer to the skull would be more efficient…it’d certainly be messier.

Okay, so we’ve been watching a lot of Disney channel lately, after having gone months without really watching much of anything. I had forgotten how comforting mindless shows and safe television (lacking commercials full of sex and shows full of obnoxious adults) can be.

BACK TO MY POINT. There’s a new show on called Fish Hooks. It’s a cartoon mixed with uh…copypasta animation? You know, where they insert real images that are digitally altered and then animated? Hard to explain. Anyway, it’s about a sea creature school that appears to take place in a pet store.

IT IS HILARIOUS. At first it was annoying but the more I watch it, the funnier it is. There’s an octopus named Jocktopus, who is…a jock. Like, in this one episode, he wants to beat up one of the fish (either Oscar or Milo) and he’s all “Jocktopus has eight friends for you!” and then he holds up one of his tentacles and says “This one is Jocktopus’ favorite.”

COMEDY GOLD AMIRITE?

But my favorite character that isn’t the character voiced by Chelsea Staub who I love and who also needs to marry Joe Jonas but omg seriously. My favorite character is Clamantha. I haven’t paid enough attention to figure out why, but no one likes Clamantha and she’s always trying to trick people into picking her for stuff. She’s a clam, she wears a headband and she has googly eyes.

I feel sleepy now, so maybe breakfast will wait a few hours. My goal for today is to get an ice cream at McDonald’s. Unemployment makes me ambitious!

Come pick me up

You know, the only problem with having people over to your house is that eventually they leave (it’s not like they have a forty minute drive or anything, jeez) and you’re left in a place with a lot of space to fill. Two of my good friends came over tonight and the three of us sat in the den and talked for a good long while about a lot of different things. I had a very pleasant time and am glad they came over because this morning got off to a rough start. I read a particularly bad-feeling-inducing post at Shapely Prose (see right for link to that blog) and that coupled with a bizarre dream in which someone I care about a great deal nearly got his head forcibly removed from his body made for a pretty meh kind of day. I cleaned (and how, which is surprisingly because the house didn’t seem that dirty to begin with) (of course, my fervency could have been related to the icky feeling, which actually started several nights ago when I watched Hope Floats on TV before going to sleep because that movie, while enjoyable, sometimes really makes me feel awful because of the things it makes me remember, and last night, I didn’t go to bed until 3:30 or so because the itchy crazies were tapping me on the shoulder and really, I was folding laundry at 2am and at 3am, I was spraying a stain on the carpet with Woolite with OxyClean, so really, today was pretty much a wash)…

I got lost in my own parenthetical.

My point is that tonight was a sigh of relief and now I am listening to my Ryan Adams Radio playlist (created on iTunes, with the helpful guidance of Pandora — Ryan Adams, The Jayhawks, Whiskeytown, Band of Horses, Sun Kil Moon, Ray LaMontagne, and The Shins) whilst sipping a glass of Merlot. Later, once I have satisfied my wine quota for the evening, I will go climb in bed with a movie. But for now? Well, for now, I’m going to feed the mouse.