I will follow you into the dark
I live in my head. I can’t remember a time when I’ve been firmly grounded in reality. I dwell in memories. Tonight I’ve been overcome by a feeling I’ve not felt this strongly in awhile: grief. I am grieving. I cannot believe that after so many years, I would still be bowled over by this. At times I feel indifferent, and then guilty.
Tonight I feel alone and lost and endlessly sad. I miss my friend. I miss the potential we had as adults. We never knew each other as adults. As real, full, responsible adults. I think we would be great friends now. I think we would exchange texts and emails regularly. I think we would see each other, at home or somewhere else, while he traveled. I think so many things and they are all impossible. I will never see him again. It feels as fresh and raw as it did when it happened. The loss. The terrifying void of forever stretching out ahead…the nothing that waits.
Now I have something that reminds me of him…someone. “Have” is a poor word to use for what it is. Someone exists who I can see very readily, though not in person, who looks eerily similar. I only made the connection between the two tonight and it has slowly consumed my thoughts…for better or, as it appears, worse. Worst.
It all hurts too much tonight.