Forever is tomorrow is today

This afternoon, I spent half an hour in a small room at a doctor’s office with my best friend, listening while an understanding but purposeful doctor drilled her about her mental health. It’s all part of the disability application process. A hard part. A part that leaves people feeling judged and hopeless, because really how much can a complete stranger tell about your disability in such a short amount of time? There’s no easy way to capture what life is like for us; I’ve tried dozens and dozens of times and can never find the right words. Everything seems so simplified and black and white when in reality, it’s a chaotic rollercoaster that we can’t ever exit.

She’s exhausted. When we left the doctor’s office, she was gray. Sweating and gray and shaking like a leaf. When her anxiety, panic, and agoraphobia get really bad, she becomes vacant. A shell. I don’t like it. When other people cause her to shift into that place, I get angry. I don’t like to see my best friend suffer.

I’m not really sure what the point of this is…just a small glimpse into another day in the life. I’m so tired of these days, full of doctors who don’t listen or don’t care or demand evidence that you are as sick as you say even though you’re a shaky, absent, incoherent wreck on the exam table.

I’m tired. Down to the bone tired. And if it’s this hard for me, if it’s this hard for me to draw up the memories of certain days or months or periods of time, then how hard is it for her, the person who has lived them firsthand?

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Posted on March 8, 2011, in Adventures with Sparkle Pants, Bullet In the Brain-Pan, Pretty happy fun friends and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on Forever is tomorrow is today.

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