Just because it’s not doesn’t mean…?

Okay. So I really haven’t done anything I meant to do here with regard to Rwanda. And I won’t, at least consistently, so don’t think about expecting to see it now that I’m making THIS post, which really has very little to do with Rwanda and very much to do with the fact that I can’t sleep.

The past few weeks have been flooded with…stuff. At least on my radar. People being extra mean, extra insensitive. The world being extra fucked up. It seems like everyday I wake up and there’s a new battle to wage, a new thing to defend myself from, a new thing to protect the people I love from. So on and so forth. There are more misunderstandings, more deaths, more nitpicking and irritation.

I mean, Obama won the election. Where is my fluffy kitten that poops rainbows?? Isn’t that what he promised?

Right now, at this moment, I am hungry and in awe of how soft my hair feels. I’m not sure why it feels so soft, but I know I have to stop touching it because it’s just going to get dirty faster. I’d eat something but there’s not really anything interesting to eat in the house.

I have a paper due on Wednesday in my class. I’m pretty sure I’ll get it done in time, so that’s not really what’s bothering me tonight. Last night, I think that’s what was bothering me. I went to bed at 6am Sunday morning and woke up a little before 1pm. Now it’s 1am Monday morning and I have to be up at 6am. That’s amusing.

Okay, so I am actually a little sleepy. I feel like I COULD sleep, if I could convince myself to actually lie down and close my eyes. But something about that feels weird and worrisome. Why should it? There’s not really any reason. I will regret not going to sleep at 11:30 or so, when I initially got into bed. But one thing kept me awake, and then another, and then I realized that I felt kind of scared to go to sleep, or just a little anxious about it, but I don’t really know WHY.

You know what I miss? I miss being able to sit down and write. Write stories. Short snippets. I miss seeing these scenes play out in my head. I miss being able to turn them over and over in my mind and have them appear on the screen exactly as I saw them. I miss that. There’s not much that excites my brain right now. Not much inspires me, which is pretty sad. I know what it is I miss. And it isn’t a what. And I know that if I go there, for real someday, not just in my mind, nothing will have changed. And it will make me so angry at myself. See, I don’t think I can actually do it and not have anything change. Nothing will, because some things have and those things that have changed now make it impossible for any of the other things to change. Back to the start, just like always.

Lately, I’ve found myself wishing I could be like Hannah Montana and have the best of both worlds. Only my worlds wouldn’t be different personae. It’d be different people. The two of them, each to serve his purpose.

But like I said, everything has changed now. One ruined the path we could’ve taken together and the other..well, he didn’t do anything, did he? And I ran away, and I ended up here, which was probably for the better. That was him on the bus that afternoon. This all started then.


Posted on April 20, 2009, in All about Sparkle Pants, Boys are pretty, Boys can be stupid too, Rambling. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Oh my sweet angel. *hug* I hope that you are hanging in there. Week’s almost over. Do you have more DMB shenanigans this week?

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