You’re fat because you’re dumb, you idiot
So last year or something, I joined SparkPeople because I thought that it’d be nice to keep track of my exercise. And food intake. Or something. I was steathily sneaking around pretending I wasn’t planning to diet. I was planning to “get healthy” because it was what I wanted to do. I will be honest with you (and myself) right now: that was a load of crap. I wanted to lose weight because I felt horrible about myself and no amount of telling myself otherwise worked.
That said, I have yet to unsubscribe myself from the emails they send out 800 times a day about how everyone is losing 350 pounds! It’s so easy! You can do it! And occasionally I open them up and read them because I need some entertainment in my life. I did just that today and after scanning the body of the email, I noticed the ad running along the top of my Gmail inbox: FAT LOSS 4 IDIOTS.
The site gives you the “inside scoop on dieting”, saying that you’re overweight because you eat too much while sitting on your big fat ass eating too much. And you’re doing all of that in the wrong fucking pattern. They say, “FOOD is more powerful than any prescription weight loss pills, because the FOOD that you eat can either make you THIN or FAT.” after telling you that low fat, low calorie, and/or low carb diets don’t work. So food can make you fat or skinny, except for low fat, low calorie, and low carb foods, which just don’t work. I suppose you maintain the status quo if you eat those foods. Apparently all you have to do is eat the right foods at the right intervals because if you eat the wrong foods at the wrong intervals, your body stores everything as fat.
But what if you eat the right foods at the wrong intervals? Or the wrong foods at the right intervals?
You get fat, that’s what. Because you eat too much, Fatty McFatterson.
They claim they can teach you how to lose weight, no matter how bad your genetics are. I say! Thank god I found this diet because I am SO SICK OF FADS. I mean, where else can I lose 9 pounds every 11 days? Or 11 pounds every 9 days? Or whatever it is?