Friday, you are officially on notice
Today has been a day of triggers. People questioning my eating habits (not in a “you eat too much way” but in a “why aren’t you eating more?” way, which is nice but not because hi, if I could make this food and myself invisible so you couldn’t see it and point it out to me that I have to eat to not die, I would in a heartbeat), people questioning the nature of my friendship with The BFF (I find this incredibly exhausting), and other things that I’m not comfortable discussing with all of you. Couple that with lunch with someone I know and love but am not insanely comfortable around (my deal, not hers) and a less-than-positive response from my professor on this week’s lesson, and you’ve got…me. A lump-in-the-throat near-tears wreck who wants to either go home and drink an entire bottle of wine in one sitting, or sit in the mall and get lost amongst a bunch of strangers.
When I started seeing a therapist a few years ago (god, do I ever miss him), he explained depression this way: small things, like a button falling off your pants, becomes a catastrophic event that ruins the entire day. The button example is mine. One day, shortly before my first therapy appointment, I was in the bathroom at work and the button fell off my pants and I had to walk down to Eckerd’s to get a little sewing kit so I could fix it. This ruined my entire day. I was humiliated and angry and everything seemed to go wrong after that. I have a lot of days like that now. More than I used to, I think. Right now I feel justified in having some pretty shitty days back-to-back. Things aren’t going so well, so little reminders of things that are generally upsetting become huge flags waving in my damn face.
We’re not lesbians and contrary to popular belief, fat people don’t stuff their faces at every single fucking meal, I do not want to wear a shirt that tells everyone what happened to me 11 years ago, and yeah, next time you give me half-assed instructions on how to do something, don’t get pissed off when I ask you for fucking clarification, okay?