I don’t really have a lot to report on my end but I want to make at least one post a day so that people stopping by have something to read, even if it’s utterly boring.
It seems that a lot of my friends are having an extremely difficult year thus far. Their lives are falling apart or just not going as well as they had planned or hoped or they are on the verge of altering a lot of things, quite possibly for good. It’s not easy to stand on the cusp of something huge and not know what’s going to happen or how you even deal with the cusp. I feel like I should be infused with special wisdom to help people out when they’re up there, staring down into the void, but I don’t really have much to say other than to reassure them that I’ll be standing beside them, holding their hand while they face whatever it is they face. And if I can’t physically stay up there on the cusp, I’ll be down below, watching and hoping and praying for their safety and sanity and well-being.
I’m not really sure what to do when I’m on the cusp myself. I know that there are a lot of people around and pulling for me, but I like to fight my battles alone. Last night I dreamed about a moment of weakness — two of my friends were evil and fed The BFF to a whale (I know!). I started sobbing in the dream, screaming at my friends, asking how they could be such horrible, evil, traitorous people and one of them hugged me, told me that he wasn’t actually that way, that they were pretending to save us all. I wanted to die because The BFF was gone but instead I fell apart on this friend and for a moment, it felt so good to just let everything go and depend on someone else for a few minutes.
When I wake up in the morning, I fight off the fear and I fight off the sinking, dragging sensation. I concentrate on his eyes, on his face, on what I felt a long time ago and what I feel now and how it has all changed and stayed the same. I find my comfort where I can — in friends who give good virtual hugs (which will not be virtual on Tuesday night, so wee! real hugs!), in friends who I know will help me fend off the zombies when they come searching for what’s left of my brain, in friends who have seen me at my worst and still love me. Is that what I do when I’m on the cusp? Maybe it is. All I know is that I’m up here and I’m scared but not so scared as I’d be if I were all alone, with no one’s hand to hold.