An open letter to the makers of Guitar Hero II

Dear Makers of Guitar Hero II,

I hate you.

Let me clarify: I hate you for making me hate some songs I used to kind of like, such as “Sweet Child O’ Mine” and “Heart-Shaped Box” “Shout at the Devil” and whatever Police song that is even though I don’t like the Police I JUST DON’T WANT TO HEAR THAT SONG EVER AGAIN. Not that it’s your fault for making Guitar Hero II readily available in my workspace but all the same, I direct this letter to you. Did you really have to design a “guitar” that is so damn loud while these wannabe musicians smash the buttons “in time” to the music? Smash smash smash smash smash SMASHSMASHSMASHSMASH!

A wise friend of mine once observed, after playing hours of Guitar Hero, that if he spent that much time playing his actual real guitar, he’d be the best guitar player ever. So perhaps your little game has motivational qualities. BUT NOT TO BORED COLLEGE STUDENTS WITH HOMEWORK DUE. They sit there for hours on end, mashing the buttons and forcing the rest of us to listen to horrible reproductions of arena rock songs. These sounds coupled with the occasional audience noise and referee whistles provided by the Xbox 360 NCAA basketball game and the chipper start-up music of the Wii (also accompanied by the sounds of human exertion) make one crazy.

Please do not make Guitar Hero III unless it comes with a chip to be implanted in the player so that only he (yes, he – gender normativity be damned, the only girls I see at the Guitar Hero II station are the bored ones there with their boyfriends) can hear the music.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Guitar Hero II console to destroy.

Sparkle Pants


Posted on May 23, 2007, in Adventures with Sparkle Pants. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I agree. I had to listen to Heart Shaped Box on iTunes just now so that I wouldn’t find a gun and put a bullet through my skull (wow, I didn’t mean that to be so tacky, but it was, wasn’t it?) from hearing it on Guitar Hero.

    Hey, what was the last thing that went through Kurt Cobain’s mind?

    His teeth.

    (Yes, you can kill me now. I’m sorry Kurt. I heart you forever.)

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