Dark days are descending again. I’ve been reading (absorbing, obsessing) some of Jack Kerouac’s journals and I get it and he got it and I can only read a few pages at a time because my mind begins to race and connect and understand and scream for the release. The release I mentioned in an earlier post. But right now, the dark days are descending. I feel alone, am realizing my aloneness more and more. My life is so singular in its purpose and motives. A loud, angry discussion a week or so ago gave way to realizations that I have beaten away my life. Dark days, indeed.

Today has been a day of hopelessness. A day filled with not much joy and many, many sorrows. Not even my new happy song made it better.  Dark, dark days.

I hate that I am surrounded by blessings, surrounded by people who love me and whom I love and yet, I am so lonely that it almost seems to kill parts of me. I have given away, forgotten, or given up on so much. I don’t want it back. I do not want to see him again. I have come this far without seeing his eyes. I can’t give in to the dark days, to the dark, hopeless feelings.

I can’t breathe. So much is too much. How. Will I? Make it. Like this.


Posted on April 24, 2007, in All about Sparkle Pants, Boys are pretty, Boys can be stupid too, Bullet In the Brain-Pan. Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on Descent.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: