A fairy tale

Once upon a time, there lived a girl named Princess McBitchyPants. Princess McBitchyPants grew up thinking the entire universe revolved around her curly, golden locks. Everyone did as she demanded, as everyone learned very quickly that if Princess McBitchyPants wasn’t happy, no one in the fair kingdom was very happy either. Princess McBitchyPants had a nice side that she showed very, very rarely. She thought that if she showed it too often, the people in the fair kingdom would stop doing everything she demanded because they would realize that she saw them as human beings and would try to make her see that they were tired and poor and forced to send their kids off to labor camps where the kids had to sew soccer balls together with their teeth. However, there were a few brave souls in the kingdom who were tired of Princess McBitchyPants’ behavior and weren’t afraid to tell everyone they met.

That made Princess McBitchyPants very angry.

Princess McBitchyPants made a public decree that those who spoke against her were unwanted, stupid, lazy, and generally bad seeds tainting her perfect, beautiful, fully functional world. However, the naysayers did not leave the kingdom!

“I shall starve them out!” Shrieked Princess McBitchyPants. Unfortunately for the princess, the naysayers had a few people in their corner and the naysayers…well, they didn’t starve.

“I shall destroy their worldly goods!” Cried Princess McBitchyPants. Unfortunately for the princess, that would’ve put her in big, big trouble with a kingdom much larger and stronger and less tolerant of destruction of their rightful property.

“I shall make them cry into their pillows at night!” Screeched Princess McBitchyPants. Unfortunately for the princess, it would take more than crying at night to weaken the naysayers.

Princess McBitchyPants hoped fervently for the naysayers to go away and while she waited for that magical moment to arrive, she stomped around her kingdom kissing frogs and then beating the newly transformed princes over the head with a mallet until they begged to become frogs again.

The End.


Posted on June 28, 2006, in Rant, Sparkle Pants does Literature. Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on A fairy tale.

  1. Hands down, best fairy tale I’ve ever read. In my life.

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