Good evening, I’m blah blah blah alongside blah blah blah

I’m not sure how many of you have seen the episode of Grey’s Anatomy that aired tonight but in it, Cristina is post miscarriage and is driving everyone insane with her need to work work work. Only at the end, she bursts into tears and can’t stop crying. She screams at them to sedate and they don’t and later, when she is calmer but still crying, Burke comes and climbs into bed with her. Aww.

I just realized I don’t have my water. Crimeny.

Anyway, I want to have a moment like that. A moment where the crying starts and it won’t stop and I get hysterical and beg people to sedate me. I am accustomed to such jags and they are a great way to release some of the pressure that builds up under the surface. Only y’all, I have lost the will to emote for longer than ten seconds. I can’t even WRITE about it. That’s what my writing used to do. It used to turn the valve and let some of this build up…not build up. But now whatever part of me thought it would be a good idea to NEVER TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT ANYTHING has decided it would also be a good idea to not cry and to not even write about how it feels not crying and talking to people. I know you’re probably scratching your head because hello, I am writing about not crying and talking to people. But I am not writing about it. Writing in that wordy, prosey, Plath way. There is no more flash fiction. There is no more fiction of any sort. No poetry. No random lines here and there. No daydreams about attractive men who torture my soul. And no amount of David Gray, Damien Rice, and Coldplay have been able to shake it out of me either.

Clearly this is completely ruining my life, especially when it causes me to snap at my best friend, just like I did earlier. Right now I’m waiting for her to even hear my apology, which is why I’m typing up this post. Not that this is my apology. It isn’t even my excuse. It’s just my y’all, this is about the most frustrating thing in the world and it is pretty much so screwed up and why is “eat less, move more” such a hard concept for me to grasp? I mean, DO THEY MAKE PILLS FOR THIS STUFF?

So there you have it. I am practically begging for something to click in my head so I can finally feel upset about the things I haven’t been allowing myself to feel upset about. First I have to figure out how to articulate those things. Oh geez. Do I have to?


Posted on June 25, 2006, in Adventures with Sparkle Pants, All about Sparkle Pants, Bullet In the Brain-Pan, TV machine. Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on Good evening, I’m blah blah blah alongside blah blah blah.

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