Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it’s almost like depth.

My blog is about to have rules. I am unusually excited by this even though I don’t think it will do anything but bring about a lot of mocking, but rules are fun to enforce and also openly harass people about.

My sentence structure is from another world.

One thing I have noticed about this “situation” is how quickly I go from one extreme to the other. How I can go from being able to handle this and hold on to thinking I am just too tired. I am ready to give up and quit. I am ready to find a quick and easy way out. I find myself going there with great frequency and when I do, I don’t want to move or think or speak. It seems like it should impossible for fear to hurt this much, but I cannot make myself small enough or quiet enough to shut out the thoughts.

I got to swim yesterday, which I haven’t done since last summer and that was more like floating and having adult conversations about stupid boys. Yesterday I paddled around the pool using only my arms. I did about two laps (small pool), then clung to the side and moved my legs around. It was nice to just be out somewhere away from things but then my stupid phone rang and kind of ruined it all for me. However, that was the last time it rang. Victory is mine.

Last night we went to a party that was more like a get-together of people who work together. And us. There were only five of us, three of whom are older and teachers and you know, grown up and stuff. At first I was highly uncomfortable and wanted to be very far away because hi! I don’t like being around people I don’t really know. But then I had wine and life was okay. As we sat around discussing grown up things like house payments and other things that are now slipping my mind, I became very scared that we two very attractive women in their mid-twenties spend their free nights either at home watching tv or hanging out with older married/relationshipped/generally much more grown up people. My life has always been this way. When I was little, I hung out with my parents’ friends. A lot.

Where was I going with this?

It’s Saturday and I’m at work, which is nice because I’ll have tomorrow off and as much as I love working Sundays because I usually get to go home early, this is a nice change of pace. I just wish my days off were together. I’m exhausted from yesterday.

And my freckles? Have so multiplied.


Posted on July 16, 2005, in Rambling. Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it’s almost like depth..

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