It’s only bursting at the seams…

You know those moments that come out of nowhere and leave you completely weakened, hurt, confused, scared, and angry? Those moments where it feels like you’re on a tilt with the rest of the earth and you just can’t seem to stand up straight?

I decided that I needed to get some fresh air and sun, so I went for a walk on my last half-hour of lunch. I went a little farther than I should have because I got winded and shaky about two blocks from work, so I slowed down and took my time. As I was crossing the street near a restaurant, my mind occupied with lofty thoughts of blue-eyed lawyery boys, I heard someone call my name. I stopped in the middle of the street, nearly got hit by a car, and saw that it was an old friend. An old friend I don’t speak to much anymore. An old friend with whom I have a dramatic history. Someone I once considered one of my closest friends. This has happened before and I’ve learned to just shake it off, make polite conversation, and go on my merry way, which is exactly what I planned to do.

Then someone else walked up to us and that is when the moment began.

A little back story, if I may…

Three years ago, I developed an irrational, life-consuming crush on a guy who I thought had warm feelings toward me. All the signs were there and a lot of other people thought the very same way. So this crush was encouraged, in a way, even though in retrospect they all knew I was out of my goddamn mind. This was my first “real” crush since the X and it was terrifying for me. I acted like a damn fool, even when I was told how he really felt (by someone else). I did that horribly embarrassing thing of throwing myself at him. I got him a job at my (now former) place of employment.

Then one day, he told me he needed to talk to me. It was exactly what I wanted. Because I knew he liked someone. And I knew that someone was me. So we went into the conference room at work and he told me all about his crush. His crush on a friend of ours who was newly engaged and not at all interested in him. I sat there and took it because what the hell else was I supposed to do?

Things went berserk from there because he then lost his damn mind because this person was engaged to someone else and it got really, really ugly. The last time I saw this person was at a wedding, wherein my very baby ulcer grew into a monster that kept me in bed for nearly two days. It was a horrible night and my only saving grace was, funnily enough, this other friend who stopped me initially this afternoon.

All of that said, my mind is completely fucked. I don’t harbor any kind of romantic or crush-like feelings toward S. Not anymore. He’s way too unhinged for me. But there I was, on the corner of J and 20th, having these feelings of loneliness and desperation, two things I have felt before when faced with old crushes/flames. And even when faced with people I don’t even have a fleeting interest in.

Why the fuck did I react like that? Why the fuck did I let him keep hugging me? Why the fuck did I let him make those inside jokes with me? Why the fuck did I wish, albeit momentarily, that I would see him again before I left?

(Randomly, I told them both about NC just to watch them fidget. Which they did.)

Right now, I want to punch God in the face.

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Posted on June 5, 2005, in Adventures with Sparkle Pants, All about Sparkle Pants, Boys can be stupid too, Bullet In the Brain-Pan, You made baby Jesus cry!. Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on It’s only bursting at the seams….

  1. God, I know exactly the feeling you’re talking about. Making people fidget is, at times, the only way of getting out of a situation with your supremecy intact. And you are, you know, thoroughly supreme. To any of them. Because ew. Someone ought to aviate their nasty asses OUT of Sacramento and go get a life.

  2. Some people are just better left in the past. Far, far in the past.

    That said, I think that sometimes it’s that momentary feeling of “maybe he did like me back then” or some such nonssense that we all sort of hold on to whenever we have or had a crush. No matter whether we pass the phase or not. No matter how much we hated ourselves for that period or how much we hate them for the things that happened during that period. It’s irrational and hanky, but it still fucks with us nonetheless.

    And I’m so sorry that it’s had such a bad effect on you. *HUG* Keep ya head up!

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