I live in my head. I can’t remember a time when I’ve been firmly grounded in reality. I dwell in memories. Tonight I’ve been overcome by a feeling I’ve not felt this strongly in awhile: grief. I am grieving. I cannot believe that after so many years, I would still be bowled over by this. At times I feel indifferent, and then guilty.
Tonight I feel alone and lost and endlessly sad. I miss my friend. I miss the potential we had as adults. We never knew each other as adults. As real, full, responsible adults. I think we would be great friends now. I think we would exchange texts and emails regularly. I think we would see each other, at home or somewhere else, while he traveled. I think so many things and they are all impossible. I will never see him again. It feels as fresh and raw as it did when it happened. The loss. The terrifying void of forever stretching out ahead…the nothing that waits.
Now I have something that reminds me of him…someone. “Have” is a poor word to use for what it is. Someone exists who I can see very readily, though not in person, who looks eerily similar. I only made the connection between the two tonight and it has slowly consumed my thoughts…for better or, as it appears, worse. Worst.
It all hurts too much tonight.
I suck at being sick. I hate the exhaustion and the brain fuzzies and I hate people taking care of me and I hate missing work. Right now I have really bad allergies/summer cold AND a migraine and I just want to sit around and whine about it ALL DAY LONG. Today I came home around 10:30 and proceeded to sleep most of the day. I did wake up in time for the Giants game. OBVIOUS POINT IS OBVIOUS. Now the game is over and there’s nothing to distract me from feeling like ass and I really hope the NyQuil kicks in soon so I can get some more sleep.
I’m sitting on a blog post I started over the weekend…or last week…about Stuff That Has Happened. I’ve started posts like it about a million times before so hopefully I can actually get through this one. It’s hard to sit down and put it all into words. It’s all a blur now and I try not to think about it because it triggers me and makes me freak out a little, but it’s necessary. There are people who need to know the story – strangers and non-stranger alike – and this is the only way I can really do it.
So on to happier things. Panda was back tonight! It was awesome! But it kind of made me sad because seriously, 2012 is the next time we’ll see Buster behind the plate, and Freddy’s future is totally uncertain.
COMPLETELY UNRELATED. Due to some developments with my family, I’ve had some very Oklahoma phone calls with my parents the past few weeks. Phone calls that involve my dad putting his phone out the window so I can hear trains and warning bells and there is a lot of talk about ‘ol’, which in non-Oklahoman is ‘oil’. It has made me quite homesick. I miss my family. I was with them this time last year and while I wasn’t completely happy – too much turmoil in my life in general – I loved being with them. Hope to get to see them soon.
I haven’t been sleeping well, so I don’t have a lot of energy right now to make a post. HOWEVER. Tonight I went swimming and watched a baseball game (on tv) and thought about cute boys and how much I like cute boys…with pretty eyes…
BUT I DIGRESS.
Here are some things I found on my phone. I have another one to take at some point, of something HILARIOUS I saw this morning but I’m too lazy to go take a picture of it. DEAL WITH IT.
Another rainy day. I wish I was in San Francisco, watching the Giants play. If you had told me a year ago that I’d feel that way now, I would’ve laughed in your face. I grew up in the midwest, as you may know, where sports are king. Mostly football, followed by basketball and then baseball. In fact, basketball and baseball might be interchangeable. Basically, everything is about football. High school and college. It’s what I grew up with. It’s what we watched. That and basketball. We weren’t big baseball fans. We watched part of a game here or there, and we always supported our favorite college team. When the Redhawks were still the ’89ers, I went to a game. I’ve watched part of the Big XII tournament at the Brick, but I was mostly concerned with the hot guys because I was 22 and I thought baseball was boring.
Fast forward to last year, when I moved back to California. The BFF and I had a friend who was a huge Giants fan, and The BFF always was a Giants fan, so we started watching the games together. At first I was bored. I didn’t care. Okay, it’s the Giants and since I went to OSU, I am engineered to bleed black and orange AND deal with the crushing defeat of my team when we screw everything up. The BFF forced me to read articles about the Giants in the paper and then we’d go over them, her explaining the terminology I didn’t quite understand. I was still bored.
And then one day, it just clicked. I have always known the basic mechanics of baseball, but I never saw the strategy. I never saw how it could be exciting. And then I was pretty much hooked. So now I enjoy baseball and look forward to watching the games and expanding my knowledge away from one team but I really love this one team A LOT.
HOW CAN I NOT?? LOOK AT THEM.
Andres Torres is workin’ with some junk in his trunk.
Like, his ass got back to first before he did.
Hey kids reading this! Guess what? You have something awesome to look forward to in adulthood! WATCHING BASEBALL AND DRINKING MARGARITAS.
I bought three books this afternoon on my lunch break because all of my books are far away with my parents. And also because the used bookstore is seriously across the street from my office HOW CAN I NOT? (Which is exactly what I told the man who owns it/was working for it) I got two books I had never heard of (I’d tell you what they are but they’re in the other room and it’s SO FAR AWAY) and one book I had: The Laughing Place by Pam Durban. I first read that book in 2003 or 2004, after a dear friend of mine passed away. The book made a lot of sense to me and helped me kind of deal with the confusion and sadness I felt. So I bought it. MINE ALL MINE NOW.
Unrelated to THAT but related to my first paragraph, I’m supposed to watch clips of Buster Posey’s injury from the other night AND I AM SCURRED TO DO IT, INTERNETS. Because my BFF tells me that he writhes in pain and crawls around on his arms and I am kind of scared to see it because it just sounds awful.
NEWSFLASH: Wilson is warming up in the bullpen. YAY.
Yesterday, we did some shopping and whatnot to continue getting our apartment in order. It included a trip to Comcast, where I had to pay an arm and a leg to get a DVR because there hadn’t been one available when the guy came in to install everything earlier in the week. UGH. So when we got home, the stupid thing didn’t work and I was ready to bust some heads. I called Comcast and I had kind of maybe imbibed a little too much beforehand and the things the woman kept telling me just went in one ear and out the other. Fortunately, we escaped the call unscathed and now our DVR works. Woo!
Today we went to the pool and hung out in the spa and it was like sitting in a big glass of champagne. So many bubbles! The tickles! Right now we’re watching a thing about the Civil War. I love the History Channel.
How has your holiday weekend been, internets?
FRIDAY. THREE DAY WEEKEND. I AM ALREADY ANTICIPATING 5:30PM.
We didn’t do much tonight. We took last night and tonight off from move-related matters because we were getting grumpy and frazzled and we both just needed some down time from all the chaos. Things are a little better except now I have some raging heartburn. Blech.
Tonight we watched a documentary that I had seen part of before and that BFF had seen all of – Super High Me. I love it, mostly because pot jokes by people who smoke pot are hilarious. But I got angry at the end when they showed the DEA raiding the dispensaries. I always get angry when people try to stand in the way of help for the people who need it most. The healthcare system in this country is fucking atrocious and I defy you to find an example of how it is awesome for someone with little to no income and chronic illnesses or pre-existing conditions. GIVE ME CONCRETE EVIDENCE OF HOW OUR HEALTHCARE SYSTEM GIVES A FUCK AND MAYBE I’LL CHANGE MY TUNE.
So when I watch the DEA taking away the medication that a lot of people rely on to function pain free or anxiety free or nausea free or WHATEVER FREE, I get really angry. Why not just go down to the local Rite Aid and close down that pharmacy too? Because the shit they’re pushing is way more harmful than the stuff being sold at dispensaries.
So I’m sitting in the living room of my awesome apartment watching our awesome television and using our awesome internet to update my blog. Everything feels okay. In fact, everything feels GOOD. Things have started to turn around. The BFF got approved for disability. She has an income. She’s out of a house that was making her have breaks every other day. She’s happy. We’re nesting, decorating on our limited budget. We do laundry with our washer and dryer, which came with the apartment. Our kitchen? Is gorgeous, with plenty of storage. We don’t get much direct sunlight, so it stays nice in here. This complex has three swimming pools and two spas. We like it here.
I spent most of today watching the clock, counting the minutes until I could come home and INTERNET. I really wanted to update my blog. But now I’m here and….I don’t have anything to say. I want to make this more frequent. I really wish I could tell you about all the things that happen at work but that stuff belongs in the vault. But believe me when I tell you we spend a lot of time talking about NSFW things. What can I say? There are five of us and we get along REALLY WELL. (I love my job.)
Also? I have to write blog posts for my job. It is WAY TOO STRESSFUL.
If you have any questions, dear internet, please leave them in the comments! I’ll answer them. Or if you have ideas for things I could say, that’d be awesome too.
I was tucked up in my bed with reruns of The Office playing me to sleep. I was tired. I was dozing off. And then I remembered something that happened at work this morning. Something small and meaningless.
It sent me down an angry, panicky path and now I’m shaking and upset and I can’t sleep, so I’m updating this blog and listening to Transatlanticism. I feel like I’m going to throw up my dinner. My head hurts. I’m hot and cold. I just want….I don’t know what I want.
What’s wrong with you? Just tell me. You never talk to me. It hurts when you don’t talk to me.
But I don’t know what’s wrong. And I don’t know how to explain what’s in my head and I don’t even know if it’s something that’s wrong or it’s something that’s right and I’m just confused about it.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
So this is the new year.